I sometimes think of killing myself, one moment I am doing something or just laying around, this will pass into my mind.
However, when I think about the consequences, my grandparents faces shows up, crying. That is when I think that I should not do it.
Then, there's this thought, if they die, can I kill myself already?
Saturday 23 May 2020
Sunday 17 May 2020
I asked this question
Today, I asked myself this question.
What would I feel if my father died?
I grew up with my grandparents, they were the ones who raised me and loves me. If I were to ask myself, WHAT WOULD I FEEL IF MY GRANDPARENTS DIE? The answer would be so simple, I would cry, and feel that the world before me would crumble.
I know, everyone of us dies but this doesn't prepare me to the fact that those persons who raised me like their own child would live me in this world.
That is not the same with my father. Will I cry when he dies? Will I even shed a tear for him? I could not feel the love between us, only hatred. He makes me feel that his my siblings are his only children. I do not get that the same affection as much as them, but I do get that glare when I do something wrong. Like that stare deep in my soul how much he hates me even for the simplest things.
He is so bad tempered when I am around, can't even take a joke from me. Now, this question repeats on me all day. Am I gonna be happy when he is gone? Will he gonna be happy when I'm gone? Will I regret this, hating him? Will he regret doing this to me? What would I do when one day he is lost in this world forever?
I still have no answer to this questions, but it will be answered in the future.
What would I feel if my father died?
I grew up with my grandparents, they were the ones who raised me and loves me. If I were to ask myself, WHAT WOULD I FEEL IF MY GRANDPARENTS DIE? The answer would be so simple, I would cry, and feel that the world before me would crumble.
I know, everyone of us dies but this doesn't prepare me to the fact that those persons who raised me like their own child would live me in this world.
That is not the same with my father. Will I cry when he dies? Will I even shed a tear for him? I could not feel the love between us, only hatred. He makes me feel that his my siblings are his only children. I do not get that the same affection as much as them, but I do get that glare when I do something wrong. Like that stare deep in my soul how much he hates me even for the simplest things.
He is so bad tempered when I am around, can't even take a joke from me. Now, this question repeats on me all day. Am I gonna be happy when he is gone? Will he gonna be happy when I'm gone? Will I regret this, hating him? Will he regret doing this to me? What would I do when one day he is lost in this world forever?
I still have no answer to this questions, but it will be answered in the future.
Sunday 10 May 2020
Today, is one of those days
Today, May 10 is one of those days that made me realize how much I hate my father.
He did many things in the past that made me hate him, like physically and mentally abusing my mother, my brother, my sister, and me.
He always wants everything and everyone to be under his control. Even though he is wrong, he must be right or else that big hands of his will land on you.
Today, we were just casually talking, while I wasn't minding of how bad of a person he is. I even joked to him which eventually made him mad.
Early this afternoon, I have an order delivered to me, it is a dieting tea. He asked what does it do, how much is it. Then he stated that it is pricey. I just jokingly said that it's okay, I am the one who paid and will drink it anyway. He got mad, telling me what do I mean. He asked if I am meaning to point him that he will use it. He said what was so wrong in what he said. I kept answering him, I didn't say that.... many times. Then he took that package and landed it on my face.
He said he will make me eat that package, that my face is such a problem. I didn't cry in front of him. I was actually calm, and just letting him hit me. My mother was stopping him to hit me. My sister was pulling me away, but he still hit me and I still let him.
I was actually waiting for him to hit me more, or even kill me at least in that moment I can a reason to go away and never come back.
He never loved me as his child. I know. But tell me, in that moment, what did I do so wrong? What did he went through to have so much anger in his heart that he wants to pass it on to me.
Now, he is just acting like nothing happened. He is there in his bed, soundly sleeping. Did he ever sorry to all the things that he has done? No. Never. to me, or to my mother.
He acts like such a good person in front of others but with us, he is just a nightmare.
How can my mother put up with these things? I really don't know. I just don't know what to do right now.
He did many things in the past that made me hate him, like physically and mentally abusing my mother, my brother, my sister, and me.
He always wants everything and everyone to be under his control. Even though he is wrong, he must be right or else that big hands of his will land on you.
Today, we were just casually talking, while I wasn't minding of how bad of a person he is. I even joked to him which eventually made him mad.
Early this afternoon, I have an order delivered to me, it is a dieting tea. He asked what does it do, how much is it. Then he stated that it is pricey. I just jokingly said that it's okay, I am the one who paid and will drink it anyway. He got mad, telling me what do I mean. He asked if I am meaning to point him that he will use it. He said what was so wrong in what he said. I kept answering him, I didn't say that.... many times. Then he took that package and landed it on my face.
He said he will make me eat that package, that my face is such a problem. I didn't cry in front of him. I was actually calm, and just letting him hit me. My mother was stopping him to hit me. My sister was pulling me away, but he still hit me and I still let him.
I was actually waiting for him to hit me more, or even kill me at least in that moment I can a reason to go away and never come back.
He never loved me as his child. I know. But tell me, in that moment, what did I do so wrong? What did he went through to have so much anger in his heart that he wants to pass it on to me.
Now, he is just acting like nothing happened. He is there in his bed, soundly sleeping. Did he ever sorry to all the things that he has done? No. Never. to me, or to my mother.
He acts like such a good person in front of others but with us, he is just a nightmare.
How can my mother put up with these things? I really don't know. I just don't know what to do right now.
Thursday 26 February 2015
Breaking Hearts
It's been a year. I think this blog has so many sad memories. I intended it to be. Well, so another drama I am posting here.
Well, no one's gonna read this. I am putting all my emotions to it. Wanna lift my spirit up by writing this down.
It's been a year. It's been a year since we broke up. Many things happened. I go on with my life. Trying to forget about that guy. Some say he isn't worth it. Well, I know he isn't but I can't keep my feeling calm or be hurt. I am stalker. I confess. But just on facebook co'z I want to know what he is doing. I tried unfriending him. But that didn't worked out. So we came back on being 'friends' on fb.
The first time I saw him after our break up was on a camp. A kid's camp by our church. I came there to visit the kids and I saw him. I don't know what to do. It was like all my cells are not working even my brain. My heart is pounding so fast. I can't even explain. It was like a hurricane. I kept silent. Trying to plaster that smile on my face. Faking I didn't see anything. Faking that I am alright although I am not. My friends are teasing me and him. I don't know what to do. He then tried to talk to me, but I didn't respond. My heart hurts. A lot. I don't know what to say and even do. My chest hurts so much. Praying that I don't exist anymore.
It's hard I say. So hard to forget him when all people around you reminds me of him. When they keep on teasing me to him. When he is trying to talk to me and make me feel that he still likes me but it was just a lie.
He is trying to get close to me for a show-off. Our relationship was just a show-off. He wanted to be famous and be recognized. He wanted to let everybody know that he is good enough that's why he got me. And I became his girlfriend to end his problem. I am just a toy to him. Someone that he can use to solve his problems or if he needed anything. I am such an idiot. He was not happy with me. He was happy with someone else.
I've already accepted that fact. Later on I then realized that I won't find peace if I keep hating him. Even though he doesn't give importance to me, even though he made me cry a lot and hurt me so much, I decided to forgive him. We then came back as friends. I talk to him sometimes. He talk to me sometimes. And trying to forget that bitter past.
But that didn't worked out. I still get hurt about the thing he does. I still want him. I still love him...
I can't force my heart to unlove him. I am going crazy.
Now, just a week ago. I felt I was the most miserable woman in the earth. Why?
Co'z a thing happened after another.
The most thing I am ever afraid of happening just suddenly happened.
Seeing him and that girl, whom is one of the reason I broke up with him.
I am fine of knowing that he doesn't love me anymore, that someone is making him happy but I just pray that I don't see them in person. It would break me. But it happened. And I was broken.
It's like my heart has been torn in pieces. My blood is going up my brain. I wanna get angry, I wanna cry, I wanna go out, I want to get lost. I don't know what to feel or act or do. I just don't. It made me cry again. Feelings gushing forth my heart. Then my tears already making my face wet. It was like a nightmare. Hoping that event would end. Hoping that would never happen again. Praying I would never see them again. But I did...
3 days after that hurtful moment, my friend had her birthday. So of course. There would be a celebration. She invited me to come and my other churchmates. Supposed to be it would just be us, her churchmates, are there in the celebration. Then HE CAME. I would understand why he showed up in that party because my friend and him are relatives. But he told my friend that he would like to bring his girl. My friend then told him that I was there, but he said, it doesn't matter. I DON'T MATTER.
Heartbreaking as what as it reads like.
My night became a bore. Even though I would like to eat so much, seeing them makes me want to vomit everything. So I ended up eating nothing, although I was so hungry. I tried to act that I was fine. I tried to smile,to laugh, to mingle with others but deep inside I just want to cry.
My friends are comforting me. Would tell me that it is okay. That I can survive. That I do not have to mind them. But that didn't help. I was so down, like I wanna go home.
I really can't understand all these things. Like I do not know why is this happening. Like why the hell is he doing this to me? I know he doesn't love me, but could he give me soke respect. We both know that I would be hurt if I will see them, but he is purposely doing that. Like, what is he up to? Is he now satisfied that I am so hurt and he is so happy with other girl?
I don't like this feeling. I hate myself. I hate everything. I hate...
Can someone stop this aches? Please...
Well, no one's gonna read this. I am putting all my emotions to it. Wanna lift my spirit up by writing this down.
It's been a year. It's been a year since we broke up. Many things happened. I go on with my life. Trying to forget about that guy. Some say he isn't worth it. Well, I know he isn't but I can't keep my feeling calm or be hurt. I am stalker. I confess. But just on facebook co'z I want to know what he is doing. I tried unfriending him. But that didn't worked out. So we came back on being 'friends' on fb.
The first time I saw him after our break up was on a camp. A kid's camp by our church. I came there to visit the kids and I saw him. I don't know what to do. It was like all my cells are not working even my brain. My heart is pounding so fast. I can't even explain. It was like a hurricane. I kept silent. Trying to plaster that smile on my face. Faking I didn't see anything. Faking that I am alright although I am not. My friends are teasing me and him. I don't know what to do. He then tried to talk to me, but I didn't respond. My heart hurts. A lot. I don't know what to say and even do. My chest hurts so much. Praying that I don't exist anymore.
It's hard I say. So hard to forget him when all people around you reminds me of him. When they keep on teasing me to him. When he is trying to talk to me and make me feel that he still likes me but it was just a lie.
He is trying to get close to me for a show-off. Our relationship was just a show-off. He wanted to be famous and be recognized. He wanted to let everybody know that he is good enough that's why he got me. And I became his girlfriend to end his problem. I am just a toy to him. Someone that he can use to solve his problems or if he needed anything. I am such an idiot. He was not happy with me. He was happy with someone else.
I've already accepted that fact. Later on I then realized that I won't find peace if I keep hating him. Even though he doesn't give importance to me, even though he made me cry a lot and hurt me so much, I decided to forgive him. We then came back as friends. I talk to him sometimes. He talk to me sometimes. And trying to forget that bitter past.
But that didn't worked out. I still get hurt about the thing he does. I still want him. I still love him...
I can't force my heart to unlove him. I am going crazy.
Now, just a week ago. I felt I was the most miserable woman in the earth. Why?
Co'z a thing happened after another.
The most thing I am ever afraid of happening just suddenly happened.
Seeing him and that girl, whom is one of the reason I broke up with him.
I am fine of knowing that he doesn't love me anymore, that someone is making him happy but I just pray that I don't see them in person. It would break me. But it happened. And I was broken.
It's like my heart has been torn in pieces. My blood is going up my brain. I wanna get angry, I wanna cry, I wanna go out, I want to get lost. I don't know what to feel or act or do. I just don't. It made me cry again. Feelings gushing forth my heart. Then my tears already making my face wet. It was like a nightmare. Hoping that event would end. Hoping that would never happen again. Praying I would never see them again. But I did...
3 days after that hurtful moment, my friend had her birthday. So of course. There would be a celebration. She invited me to come and my other churchmates. Supposed to be it would just be us, her churchmates, are there in the celebration. Then HE CAME. I would understand why he showed up in that party because my friend and him are relatives. But he told my friend that he would like to bring his girl. My friend then told him that I was there, but he said, it doesn't matter. I DON'T MATTER.
Heartbreaking as what as it reads like.
My night became a bore. Even though I would like to eat so much, seeing them makes me want to vomit everything. So I ended up eating nothing, although I was so hungry. I tried to act that I was fine. I tried to smile,to laugh, to mingle with others but deep inside I just want to cry.
My friends are comforting me. Would tell me that it is okay. That I can survive. That I do not have to mind them. But that didn't help. I was so down, like I wanna go home.
I really can't understand all these things. Like I do not know why is this happening. Like why the hell is he doing this to me? I know he doesn't love me, but could he give me soke respect. We both know that I would be hurt if I will see them, but he is purposely doing that. Like, what is he up to? Is he now satisfied that I am so hurt and he is so happy with other girl?
I don't like this feeling. I hate myself. I hate everything. I hate...
Can someone stop this aches? Please...
Thursday 20 March 2014
Wasted
Hey there! It's been a long time since my last post. So yeah! What's new about me?
I just broke up with my boyfriend last last week. Yeah, BOYFRIEND. Finally had one, but it didn't last. Why? He CHEATED. I think he was tired of me. So sad, but yeah for now I can't MOVE ON.
I THINK I WOULD NOT, EVER. hehe! just joking. But for now, I love him so much. I want him back, and forget about his mistakes.
I just love him, and everything that I do reminds me of him. Oh well, LIFE IS A HURRICANE.
I am so busy with my current life, got so many priorities to handle. Can't even have so much time with my friends. I think this year would be so easy for me. I'll strive hard.
I just broke up with my boyfriend last last week. Yeah, BOYFRIEND. Finally had one, but it didn't last. Why? He CHEATED. I think he was tired of me. So sad, but yeah for now I can't MOVE ON.
I THINK I WOULD NOT, EVER. hehe! just joking. But for now, I love him so much. I want him back, and forget about his mistakes.
I just love him, and everything that I do reminds me of him. Oh well, LIFE IS A HURRICANE.
I am so busy with my current life, got so many priorities to handle. Can't even have so much time with my friends. I think this year would be so easy for me. I'll strive hard.
Friday 7 December 2012
totoo ba?
They say that childhood friends can be lovers...
maaaring totoo, maaaring hindi...
but for me...
it is totally confusing.
yes! I have a BIG CRUSH on one of my childhood friends.
but he changed. Totally changed.
hindi na siya yung malinis, gwapo, mabait, palakaibigan, basta ganun.
well, he has problems in his life na hindi ko naman kayang i-solve.
first. wala akong karapatan.
Second. Hindi na kami close.
pero, i really do wish he will change for good, and he may find the right for his life.
pero meron pang isa.
I have this confused feeling toward my friend.
well, hindi kami ganun ka close.
but may something na eh.
ako yung may something ok.
so, i'm still confused. Kasi hindi tama na may maramdaman ako sa kanya.
it is totally useless, and in the end. Kung magka gusto man ako ng tuluyan sa kanya.
ako pa rin ang masasaktan.
so, Please! let this feeling go away! =/
maaaring totoo, maaaring hindi...
but for me...
it is totally confusing.
yes! I have a BIG CRUSH on one of my childhood friends.
but he changed. Totally changed.
hindi na siya yung malinis, gwapo, mabait, palakaibigan, basta ganun.
well, he has problems in his life na hindi ko naman kayang i-solve.
first. wala akong karapatan.
Second. Hindi na kami close.
pero, i really do wish he will change for good, and he may find the right for his life.
pero meron pang isa.
I have this confused feeling toward my friend.
well, hindi kami ganun ka close.
but may something na eh.
ako yung may something ok.
so, i'm still confused. Kasi hindi tama na may maramdaman ako sa kanya.
it is totally useless, and in the end. Kung magka gusto man ako ng tuluyan sa kanya.
ako pa rin ang masasaktan.
so, Please! let this feeling go away! =/
Tuesday 3 April 2012
LAST
I've just realize that,
you can easily miss a thing that you do everyday
It seems like, your life is incomplete without doing it.
I miss the times, that I woke up early??
maybe it's early for me, but late for them
seeing my classmates, friends, acquaintances and even crushes at my school.
chatting with them every morning,
doing homeworks with them.
updating what happened fun yesterday in our own entertainment section.
at some point, it isn't always like that.
Sometimes, we may quarrel. but still, it will and SHOULD be resolved.
when there are some activities, its US who are busy.
applying make up, changing with our costumes, styling our hair
of course, PICTURE TAKING
I miss the times, that we always pray before the contest, and supporting each and everyone.
Now we were departed but our minds are still connected.
I will miss this..
so MUCH!!
Remembering the time we spent
together as one,
those memories I won't forget,
It will remain inside my heart.
CONGRATULATIONS BATCH 2011-2012
you can easily miss a thing that you do everyday
It seems like, your life is incomplete without doing it.
I miss the times, that I woke up early??
maybe it's early for me, but late for them
seeing my classmates, friends, acquaintances and even crushes at my school.
chatting with them every morning,
doing homeworks with them.
updating what happened fun yesterday in our own entertainment section.
at some point, it isn't always like that.
Sometimes, we may quarrel. but still, it will and SHOULD be resolved.
when there are some activities, its US who are busy.
applying make up, changing with our costumes, styling our hair
of course, PICTURE TAKING
I miss the times, that we always pray before the contest, and supporting each and everyone.
Now we were departed but our minds are still connected.
I will miss this..
so MUCH!!
Remembering the time we spent
together as one,
those memories I won't forget,
It will remain inside my heart.
CONGRATULATIONS BATCH 2011-2012
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