Breaking Hearts

It's been a year. I think this blog has so many sad memories. I intended it to be. Well, so another drama I am posting here.
Well, no one's gonna read this. I am putting all my emotions to it. Wanna lift my spirit up by writing this down.

It's been a year. It's been a year since we broke up. Many things happened. I go on with my life. Trying to forget about that guy. Some say he isn't worth it. Well, I know he isn't but I can't keep my feeling calm or be hurt. I am stalker. I confess. But just on facebook co'z I want to know what he is doing. I tried unfriending him. But that didn't worked out. So we came back on being 'friends' on fb.

The first time I saw him after our break up was on a camp. A kid's camp by our church. I came there to visit the kids and I saw him. I don't know what to do. It was like all my cells are not working even my brain. My heart is pounding so fast. I can't even explain. It was like a hurricane. I kept silent. Trying to plaster that smile on my face. Faking I didn't see anything. Faking that I am alright although I am not. My friends are teasing me and him. I don't know what to do. He then tried to talk to me, but I didn't respond. My heart hurts. A lot. I don't know what to say and even do. My chest hurts so much. Praying that I don't exist anymore.
It's hard I say. So hard to forget him when all people around you reminds me of him. When they keep on teasing me to him. When he is trying to talk to me and make me feel that he still likes me but it was just a lie.

He is trying to get close to me for a show-off. Our relationship was just a show-off. He wanted to be famous and be recognized. He wanted to let everybody know that he is good enough that's why he got me. And I became his girlfriend to end his problem. I am just a toy to him. Someone that he can use to solve his problems or if he needed anything. I am such an idiot. He was not happy with me. He was happy with someone else.

I've already accepted that fact. Later on I then realized that I won't find peace if I keep hating him. Even though he doesn't give importance to me, even though he made me cry a lot and hurt me so much, I decided to forgive him. We then came back as friends. I talk to him sometimes. He talk to me sometimes. And trying to forget that bitter past.

But that didn't worked out. I still get hurt about the thing he does. I still want him. I still love him...
I can't force my heart to unlove him. I am going crazy.

Now, just a week ago. I felt I was the most miserable woman in the earth. Why?
Co'z a thing happened after another.
The most thing I am ever afraid of happening just suddenly happened.
Seeing him and that girl, whom is one of the reason I broke up with him.
I am fine of knowing that he doesn't love me anymore, that someone is making him happy but I just pray that I don't see them in person. It would break me. But it happened. And I was broken.

It's like my heart has been torn in pieces. My blood is going up my brain. I wanna get angry, I wanna cry, I wanna go out, I want to get lost. I don't know what to feel or act or do. I just don't.  It made me cry again. Feelings gushing forth my heart. Then my tears already making my face wet. It was like a nightmare. Hoping that event would end. Hoping that would never happen again. Praying I would never see them again. But I did...

3 days after that hurtful moment, my friend had her birthday. So of course. There would be a celebration. She invited me to come and my other churchmates. Supposed to be it would just be us, her churchmates, are there in the celebration. Then HE CAME. I would understand why he showed up in that party because my friend and him are relatives. But he told my friend that he would like to bring his girl. My friend then told him that I was there, but he said, it doesn't matter. I DON'T MATTER.
Heartbreaking as what as it reads like.

My night became a bore. Even though I would like to eat so much, seeing them makes me want to vomit everything. So I ended up eating nothing, although I was so hungry. I tried to act that I was fine. I tried to smile,to laugh, to mingle with others but deep inside I just want to cry.

My friends are comforting me. Would tell me that it is okay. That I can survive. That I do not have to mind them. But that didn't help. I was so down, like I wanna go home.

I really can't understand all these things. Like I do not know why is this happening. Like why the hell is he doing this to me? I know he doesn't love me, but could he give me soke respect. We both know that I would be hurt if I will see them, but he is purposely doing that. Like, what is he up to? Is he now satisfied that I am so hurt and he is so happy with other girl?

I don't like this feeling. I hate myself. I hate everything. I hate...

Can someone stop this aches? Please...