I sometimes think of killing myself, one moment I am doing something or just laying around, this will pass into my mind.
However, when I think about the consequences, my grandparents faces shows up, crying. That is when I think that I should not do it.
Then, there's this thought, if they die, can I kill myself already?
Saturday 23 May 2020
Sunday 17 May 2020
I asked this question
Today, I asked myself this question.
What would I feel if my father died?
I grew up with my grandparents, they were the ones who raised me and loves me. If I were to ask myself, WHAT WOULD I FEEL IF MY GRANDPARENTS DIE? The answer would be so simple, I would cry, and feel that the world before me would crumble.
I know, everyone of us dies but this doesn't prepare me to the fact that those persons who raised me like their own child would live me in this world.
That is not the same with my father. Will I cry when he dies? Will I even shed a tear for him? I could not feel the love between us, only hatred. He makes me feel that his my siblings are his only children. I do not get that the same affection as much as them, but I do get that glare when I do something wrong. Like that stare deep in my soul how much he hates me even for the simplest things.
He is so bad tempered when I am around, can't even take a joke from me. Now, this question repeats on me all day. Am I gonna be happy when he is gone? Will he gonna be happy when I'm gone? Will I regret this, hating him? Will he regret doing this to me? What would I do when one day he is lost in this world forever?
I still have no answer to this questions, but it will be answered in the future.
What would I feel if my father died?
I grew up with my grandparents, they were the ones who raised me and loves me. If I were to ask myself, WHAT WOULD I FEEL IF MY GRANDPARENTS DIE? The answer would be so simple, I would cry, and feel that the world before me would crumble.
I know, everyone of us dies but this doesn't prepare me to the fact that those persons who raised me like their own child would live me in this world.
That is not the same with my father. Will I cry when he dies? Will I even shed a tear for him? I could not feel the love between us, only hatred. He makes me feel that his my siblings are his only children. I do not get that the same affection as much as them, but I do get that glare when I do something wrong. Like that stare deep in my soul how much he hates me even for the simplest things.
He is so bad tempered when I am around, can't even take a joke from me. Now, this question repeats on me all day. Am I gonna be happy when he is gone? Will he gonna be happy when I'm gone? Will I regret this, hating him? Will he regret doing this to me? What would I do when one day he is lost in this world forever?
I still have no answer to this questions, but it will be answered in the future.
Sunday 10 May 2020
Today, is one of those days
Today, May 10 is one of those days that made me realize how much I hate my father.
He did many things in the past that made me hate him, like physically and mentally abusing my mother, my brother, my sister, and me.
He always wants everything and everyone to be under his control. Even though he is wrong, he must be right or else that big hands of his will land on you.
Today, we were just casually talking, while I wasn't minding of how bad of a person he is. I even joked to him which eventually made him mad.
Early this afternoon, I have an order delivered to me, it is a dieting tea. He asked what does it do, how much is it. Then he stated that it is pricey. I just jokingly said that it's okay, I am the one who paid and will drink it anyway. He got mad, telling me what do I mean. He asked if I am meaning to point him that he will use it. He said what was so wrong in what he said. I kept answering him, I didn't say that.... many times. Then he took that package and landed it on my face.
He said he will make me eat that package, that my face is such a problem. I didn't cry in front of him. I was actually calm, and just letting him hit me. My mother was stopping him to hit me. My sister was pulling me away, but he still hit me and I still let him.
I was actually waiting for him to hit me more, or even kill me at least in that moment I can a reason to go away and never come back.
He never loved me as his child. I know. But tell me, in that moment, what did I do so wrong? What did he went through to have so much anger in his heart that he wants to pass it on to me.
Now, he is just acting like nothing happened. He is there in his bed, soundly sleeping. Did he ever sorry to all the things that he has done? No. Never. to me, or to my mother.
He acts like such a good person in front of others but with us, he is just a nightmare.
How can my mother put up with these things? I really don't know. I just don't know what to do right now.
He did many things in the past that made me hate him, like physically and mentally abusing my mother, my brother, my sister, and me.
He always wants everything and everyone to be under his control. Even though he is wrong, he must be right or else that big hands of his will land on you.
Today, we were just casually talking, while I wasn't minding of how bad of a person he is. I even joked to him which eventually made him mad.
Early this afternoon, I have an order delivered to me, it is a dieting tea. He asked what does it do, how much is it. Then he stated that it is pricey. I just jokingly said that it's okay, I am the one who paid and will drink it anyway. He got mad, telling me what do I mean. He asked if I am meaning to point him that he will use it. He said what was so wrong in what he said. I kept answering him, I didn't say that.... many times. Then he took that package and landed it on my face.
He said he will make me eat that package, that my face is such a problem. I didn't cry in front of him. I was actually calm, and just letting him hit me. My mother was stopping him to hit me. My sister was pulling me away, but he still hit me and I still let him.
I was actually waiting for him to hit me more, or even kill me at least in that moment I can a reason to go away and never come back.
He never loved me as his child. I know. But tell me, in that moment, what did I do so wrong? What did he went through to have so much anger in his heart that he wants to pass it on to me.
Now, he is just acting like nothing happened. He is there in his bed, soundly sleeping. Did he ever sorry to all the things that he has done? No. Never. to me, or to my mother.
He acts like such a good person in front of others but with us, he is just a nightmare.
How can my mother put up with these things? I really don't know. I just don't know what to do right now.
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